I don’t know where this particular post is headed, I just feel the need to write..
I’ve done a lot of reflecting the last couple of weeks, a lot of praying and spending one on one time with God. I’m standing firm in what I have been praying for even though a lot of people do not agree with what I want, but I know what God has put into my heart, I know what I have prayed about for over a year , maybe two.. always patiently waiting for God’s perfect timing not mine but never once doubting that I would receive what I had been praying for. Always trusting both God and him. I’ve prayed for which path to take.. many times feeling pulled in two different directions, God has never steered me wrong.
Five weeks ago my life was turned upside down by what seemed like an endless array of events. I have never been so low in my life. First my brother calls and while I won’t discuss the details of the phone call, it ended with him cussing me out and hanging up on me because I stood my ground and stuck up for my niece and nephews. I haven’t talked to him since. A couple of days later my mom moved out, she had been living with me since my dad died 4 years ago, a day after that my daughter got dissed at prom, a day after that, the man I love more than I have ever loved anyone in my life broke up with me after 6 years, the day after that was my first born son’s birthday/death day.. he would have been 18 years old .. lowest of low .. one kick and knock down after another just knocking me lower and lower and lower … I have been through A LOT in my life including losing and burying 2 children and a divorce … but this low was the lowest I’ve ever felt…. when I needed someone most .. no one was there .. not truly there.. no one but God. God has never left me and if I’ve learned one thing in my life it’s that no one and I mean no one is ever there for you 100% of the time .. no one except God. Learn to rely and depend only on yourself and God.
I won’t say my friends weren’t there because they were and I know they meant well ❤ but only God truly knows what my heart and soul feel .. no words can make it better .. it doesn’t help when someone says “you deserve better’ “God has something better” or “don’t lose who you are chasing someone who doesn’t care” or even “Don’t look back”
1. Unless you know how well he treated my daughter and I, you couldn’t possibly know he is the best.. there is no better in my heart or eyes.
2. Unless you know what I have been faithfully praying for and about for a long time, you couldn’t possibly know God had already sent me the best
3. Don’t lose myself? I know who I am, I know what I want, I know how precious life is, I haven’t changed that … just that he brings out the best in me and I would like to think I bring out the best in him .. one of the best things about being with him .. is I never had to be someone I wasn’t and he never had to be someone he wasn’t.
4. He doesn’t care about me? I find that hard to believe after 6 years and all the little things he would do for me … it’s the little things that mean the most … always making sure I had bottled water to drink, giving up his side of the bed for me, giving up UK basketball tickets for time with me, many times of dinner and just quality time together, meetings halfway between here and there even though neither one of us could truly financially afford it, loaning his car so I could have my trip to Florida safely and the list goes on and on .. YEAH I think he CARES!
5. Don’t look back? Seriously? There are children involved , how does one not look back? I love these children as much as I love their dad and I will not turn my back on them just to save my own heart.. I am not selfish. I don’t want to erase the past, it’s not like it was ever bad, I can count on ONE hand how many times we have had disagreements over the past 6 years. Always good and good times.. NO I will not give up and walk away just to save my own heart.
My point is .. in the middle of all this chaos… I still completely love him and I know in some people’s eyes that is completely insane but unless you can know what my heart and soul feel, you can’t possibly understand. So please don’t judge me for sticking up for him, I only know what my heart and soul feel.